P.S. Anonymous why dont you put your name next time and we can tear apart your life, and then tell you to get over the pain that I caused by doing that!
Aloha

I know this, too, is easier said than done, but try not to let others get to you. You have a heavy enough load to bear right now without worrying about anonymous posters.

I know things seem impossibly difficult right now, and that many will try to make light of your situation without knowing the intense, conflicting emotions that are tearing you apart right now. But you need to realize that you can be bigger and stronger than that.

Despite what others may say, these are NOT the "best years of your life". As an adult whose been through mush of the sort of hell you're going through, I have always winced when adults have said that to teenagers. The truth of the matter is, the best is yet to come. By hurting yourself you're only denying yourself the chance to know that, to see and do things that right now you might never imagine. For your own sake, for the sake of those who know and love you, don't do that. Do what you must to get throug this chapter and onto writing the next one. There's a rich, beautiful world out there if you can just hang on.

I know you don't know me personally, and I only know you through your writings. But I can tell you that I've felt the hurt and the sting from your posts because I've been there myself. I've lost two brothers, one to abuse, and one to suicide after a lifetime of abuse, and one of the biggest hurts I've felt was that I wasn't strong enough to stop either of them. The decisions you make will have impact far beyond yourself, so out of love and consideration to those you love, consider them carefully.

I will pray for you and hope that you can heal through all of this.

I wholeheartedly agree with what Gideon said. Sometimes it is hard to ignore those pesky anons but it's best to do that when they make no sense at all. If they were not cowards he/she would not hide there identity.

You have every right to feel the way you do. Youve been through a lot and you're going to continue to experience all kinds of emotions on a daily basis. Just don't give up. Don't give up on you and don't give up on your faith, God will not give up on you. I'll pray for you too. You're not alone.

Thanks for the uplifting things you had to say about me. You know the whole "All my "favorite sister" has been doing, is trying to make buddy-buddy with my little sister and soster-in-law". That was a little hurtful. I've been trying to be here for you, but you won't let me in, no matter how hard I try. It kills me to see you going through this hard time knowing it should have been better for you, but our parents suck. I know that it is hard to go up to dad and tell him that he sucks, I had to do it, and I have not yet finished doing it. It doesn't mean that you hate him, though, it just means that you hate what he did, and he is willing to face anything you have to say, you just have to step out on the limb, and believe me, I know it's hard.
"Mabye did you think, "Oh, she just needs time alone!" or "Hey, mabye she just needs a shoulder to cry on!"" I have thought both of those things, but you won't let anyone be a shoulder to cry on, Lord knows I have tried to be that for you. And as a family, we have tried to give you time alone, but that doesn't seem to help either. I love you and I want to help, but you won't let me in. That is really hard especially considering the fact that I would give my life for you and I let you know every little bit of me and what happens in my life. We share a room and a family and a history, but we can't share our lives with each other if you refuse so whole-heartedly to share yours with me. We have been best friends for the last six years, but you have been pushing me away for a year now, and here I am confronting you about it. I love you, and I'm not going to let you push me away. I haven't let mom do it, you are not doing it either (especially since I love you so much). I would give my soul if I could make your life better and easier, and that is blasphame for a Christian to say, but there it is.
"mabye my family and friends should look inside themselves and see what kind of people they have been to me" What kind of people have we been? How could we know how you feel if you don't tell us? I have tried to be good to you, but you make that impossible when you won't let me in. I'm sorry, but our relationship is going to go back to that until you start giving me something. You told me that your friendship with Jessica was one way because you gave your all. Why can't you do that with your "favorite sister"? "You must undertand that when I do something I do it with all of me, I poor my heart and soul into it." This statement is not entirely true, and you know it, because look at our relationship. You defiinitely have not given it your all.
"I am going to get what I want, no matter who I hurt along the way!" Reconsider this statement before you act on it, because the people you hurt could be the only ones who love you. The people you hurt could be the ones who matter most to you. The people you hurt could be...me, dad, grams, J.D., Virginia...any number of people. You said in your blog that you could be selfish and that is your decision. I completely agree, but think about all the people (the ones who love you and whom you love) before you do some crazy act of selfishness.
I'm sorry that this is such a long comment, but I needed to let you know how I feel because I can't talk to you about it, because you always look at me as if you want to kill me. I'm sorry that you feel like we have all been so horrible to you, but your best interests have been and will always be in my heart. You are my favorite sister, and I will never put quotations around that, because it is the truth, and I will never do anything to consciously hurt you. You and Virginia are my life, and I need you in it. Please help me find a way for that to happen. And the reason I have been so "buddy-buddy" with Virginia and Jolene is because I owe Jolene a lot. She gave me my life back by taking over some...a lot... of my responsibilities, and Virginia doesn't realize how much I love her, so I have to show her.
I love you Elaina, you are my best sister, my best friend. Please help me to make our relationship all that it can be.
Love always,
August

Thanks for the uplifting things you had to say about me. You know the whole "All my "favorite sister" has been doing, is trying to make buddy-buddy with my little sister and soster-in-law". That was a little hurtful. I've been trying to be here for you, but you won't let me in, no matter how hard I try. It kills me to see you going through this hard time knowing it should have been better for you, but our parents suck. I know that it is hard to go up to dad and tell him that he sucks, I had to do it, and I have not yet finished doing it. It doesn't mean that you hate him, though, it just means that you hate what he did, and he is willing to face anything you have to say, you just have to step out on the limb, and believe me, I know it's hard.
"Mabye did you think, "Oh, she just needs time alone!" or "Hey, mabye she just needs a shoulder to cry on!"" I have thought both of those things, but you won't let anyone be a shoulder to cry on, Lord knows I have tried to be that for you. And as a family, we have tried to give you time alone, but that doesn't seem to help either. I love you and I want to help, but you won't let me in. That is really hard especially considering the fact that I would give my life for you and I let you know every little bit of me and what happens in my life. We share a room and a family and a history, but we can't share our lives with each other if you refuse so whole-heartedly to share yours with me. We have been best friends for the last six years, but you have been pushing me away for a year now, and here I am confronting you about it. I love you, and I'm not going to let you push me away. I haven't let mom do it, you are not doing it either (especially since I love you so much). I would give my soul if I could make your life better and easier, and that is blasphame for a Christian to say, but there it is.
"mabye my family and friends should look inside themselves and see what kind of people they have been to me" What kind of people have we been? How could we know how you feel if you don't tell us? I have tried to be good to you, but you make that impossible when you won't let me in. I'm sorry, but our relationship is going to go back to that until you start giving me something. You told me that your friendship with Jessica was one way because you gave your all. Why can't you do that with your "favorite sister"? "You must undertand that when I do something I do it with all of me, I poor my heart and soul into it." This statement is not entirely true, and you know it, because look at our relationship. You defiinitely have not given it your all.
"I am going to get what I want, no matter who I hurt along the way!" Reconsider this statement before you act on it, because the people you hurt could be the only ones who love you. The people you hurt could be the ones who matter most to you. The people you hurt could be...me, dad, grams, J.D., Virginia...any number of people. You said in your blog that you could be selfish and that is your decision. I completely agree, but think about all the people (the ones who love you and whom you love) before you do some crazy act of selfishness.
I'm sorry that this is such a long comment, but I needed to let you know how I feel because I can't talk to you about it, because you always look at me as if you want to kill me. I'm sorry that you feel like we have all been so horrible to you, but your best interests have been and will always be in my heart. You are my favorite sister, and I will never put quotations around that, because it is the truth, and I will never do anything to consciously hurt you. You and Virginia are my life, and I need you in it. Please help me find a way for that to happen. And the reason I have been so "buddy-buddy" with Virginia and Jolene is because I owe Jolene a lot. She gave me my life back by taking over some...a lot... of my responsibilities, and Virginia doesn't realize how much I love her, so I have to show her.
I love you Elaina, you are my best sister, my best friend. Please help me to make our relationship all that it can be.
Love always,
August

August,
The reason that I do not pour all of me into our relationship is because I was doing that for a long time. But then you choose Jessica over me. I am just afraid of getting hutr again. It has taken me this long to begin the healing process over Jessica, because I did not want to let her go. She knew everything about me. Mostly I am still healing. I poured everything I had into our relationship, so just give me a little while longer, I promise I will come around. Everything in my life takes time, and for now I am going to let you know that I am so sorry, I know that I have hurt the people who have been there for me the most. Including Jessica, the only person (outside the family who I thought was going to be there for me forever). Please forgive me, I know that I have fucked up more than anyone sees.

I promise right here I will not doing anything pathetically drastic, and I will do my best to start talking to you in person. I love you August, with all of my heart.
Aloha

Gideon MacLeish,
Thank you for the inspiring words that you wrote me. I also thank you for always reading my terrible writing ! You seem to be an amazing person, and I thank you for the words of wisdom. I am going to print them off and hang them on my wall. I really do not have the words to express to you how much you touched me, I am in tears. So just know that I am grateful, and always leave your insightful words on my blogs. Thank you for the prayers
Aloha

foreverserenity,
Thank you for your words, and I agree if they were not cowards they would leave their names. Obviously they know me pretty well, because they know my entire family.
I promise I will not give up, and I will do my best to let go and let God. Thanks for the prayers! Please continue to comment on my blogs, I love your meaningful responses. You seem like a wonderful person also!
Aloha

Anonymous,
They out some very valid points on this, and I agree. I am not going to allow the pain from your comment to ruin anymore of my days. Because I have enough emotional damage from my life right now, from the rest of my life. I am attempting to heal from the pain that my best friend inflicted by not even looking at me. I am going to heal, but without a grudge, it will take a long time. It will be worth it.
Aloha

I never chose Jessica over you. We just had a common hurt from the same person, and who better to help you get over it than someone who went through the exact same thing. As for anyone choosing anyone over anyone, you always chose Jessica over me, and I know that I never really did that with any of my friends except when we weren't getting along, mostly my sophmore year of high school. But anyways, thank you for the promise to start trying again. I love you.
August

Thank you for the inspiring words that you wrote me. I also thank you for always reading my terrible writing ! You seem to be an amazing person, and I thank you for the words of wisdom. I am going to print them off and hang them on my wall. I really do not have the words to express to you how much you touched me, I am in tears. So just know that I am grateful, and always leave your insightful words on my blogs. Thank you for the prayers

You're welcome, and thank you for the kind words. If I can be of any help at all, don't hesitate to ask.

 

Thanks! You are awesome!
Aloha

Hey, Gideon lives here in Texas! He's a friend of a friend of a friend!

Trinitie

Trinitie,
you are not going to get me to move there!
Aloha

Elaina,
I'm seriously worried about you. I hear what you're saying (or screaming in a crowded room) and I believe you're serious and not just trying to get attention. I think it makes alot of sense that you would be in an unbearable amount of pain based on what your family is going through.

Please check out this website:

www.metanoia.org/suicide/

I wish I could do more to help. I feel helpless. Hang in there. Keep surviving. Take it one day at a time. I love you.
Jennifer