I have been trying to make myself perfect for a long time. As some may know, my father performed inappropriate things on some people that were near and dear to me. These people were everything that I loved. Both were my best friends, and I loved each of them differently but the same. Yet, they were in some way more perfect for him in a sick and twisted way. I always want to be what they were. Not that I envy that happened to them, but I envy that my father liked them better in a sick and twisted way. I always have and I fear that I always will have a huge jealousy issue towards them. I tried everything to make him notive me. I played the flute just like my sister, I tried to be dumb acting like Jessica, I even tried to lose a lot of weight so that he would treat me like he treated them. Nothing worked, I felt that he was as disguisted by me as he was by my mother. But I did not know what to do. My heart always hurt, and I cried and wrote poetry. Then both of my best friends started to date, and that made it even more obvious that there was something wrong with me. They could get guys, and I was still sitting at home. At that Jessica got all of the guys that I wanted. How was I to compare to them? I just kept pushing, but nothing ever came of it. Then my senior year it was all exposed. The newspaper could have written an expose on it and it could not have made my senior year any worse. Everything was falling in. Jessica and I slowly split up as friends, and it destroyed everything that I had. My heart broke, and to this point it is still not fixed. My father still felt so bad that he always talked about her. Even after she was out of our lives, he kept talking about her to me. He still does, and it still breaks my heart everytime he speaks her name. My brain stops, and my lungs constrict. I feel worthless in his eyes. I feel that he never really cared about what he has done. I feel selfish and I realize that this is pointless. I will never be perfect, and I will never be good enough. He will never love me as much as he loves them.