Is love for real or is it just something that they say to help people think that they are needed?
Thanks for the insight.
Published on January 20, 2006 By Kaulani In Blogging
Reply By: Anonymous(Anonymous User)

Posted: Thursday, January 19, 2006

I want to let you know something. Everyone on here has made a lot of sense that I think you should listen to, yet you are not. You say you want to tell your father how your heart is breaking.. well do it! Life is not always right or wrong, sometimes it just is. As for your fight with the whole "no one loves you" issue, that is totally bogus. You know that as well as many of the others on this blog do. Your sister, your favorite sister, loves you very much and is trying her darnedest to help you by being there for you. She lets you yell and scream and be upset. Something not a lot of people will allow. And you have another sister who you will not allow to be part of your life, which is entirely wrong. And you have a brother who admittedly doesn't care for your behavior right now, but he still loves you. These are a few of the people in your life who love you and are there for you. You just have to talk to them. And I know Trinitie loves you too. (In her own weird special way) God is there for you but I don't think you really know who he is. If you want to know him and understand why things happen, then you need to go to him. Worship him and Worship with him. Live with him in your heart. I know you think your life sucks, but you also know there are people out there who are a lot worse off. One thing I can tell you I am sick and tired of hearing is the fact that you say you want to kill yourself. That is no way out of lifes problems. That is a selfish comment. It is only one more way for you to try to draw attention to yourself. (And yes right now I am the one who is guilty of giving you attention but I have been watching your blog for weeks now and it always the same) Saying you are going to kill yourself is the most hateful thing you can say. It only hurts the one who do love you. The ones you say don't love you. And it is not what God teaches you either. Get over your "poor me" attitude, get on with life. Maybe if you would be less of a witch, you would not drive your friends and family away. And you are part of the reason your best friend will not talk to you anymore for the fact of all the hateful messages you sent her and all the hateful letters you wrote her and all the hateful words you have said to her. Well this has gotten long and I know I have a million more things to say to you that you do not want to hear, just like everything else on here. And I expect you to get angry and I expect you to get over it. So MOVE ON! Love what you have been given.

Sincerely,

Anonymous





I have listened to this advice more than you know. You are not in my head, you do not know what I think. I know I should tell my father how my heart is broken, but it is alot easier said than done. As you will know, since you seem to know so much about my life, he is the only parent that I ever had. Tell me, how do I just walk up to him and tell him, "You ruined my life! You ruined my friendship! You ruined my Senior Year!" But then you would say that I am being selfish about that! Yeah, sometimes life is just life, but isnt that always?

I know that people love me, but they sure as hell show it funny. All my "favorite sister" has been doing, is trying to make buddy-buddy with my little sister and soster-in-law. Which I have no problem with, but when I try to talk, I feel like no one listens. I will allow my other sister in my life, I just don't know how. I don't know what she likes or anything, and I dont know how to talk to her. I do not want her to suffer from being friends with someone who is as terrible as me!

My brother has never really cared for me, yeah he loves me. But just like my mom, he was not there for us until all of this shit with my father came out.

If I am acting wrong towards my family someome tell me! I don't think that I have been acting different lately, but if I have someone needs to let me know.

Yes I do know God! I think that you have no right to judge my christianity or take a stab at it for that matter! Jesus said, "Do not remove the log from your brother's eye until you have removed the sliver from your own." He also said, "Let the man who is without sin cast the first stone." I have gone to Him, and I have worshipped Him and with Him. But reading about things that happened 2,000 years ago isn't much of a helper to me. I talk to Him, but I never hear anything back, even when I read his word. Of course I know that there are people who are worse off than me, who doesn't?

If I feel that taking the "easy way out" or the "selfish way out" is best, then it is my decision. You may feel like it is a selfish comment, but I do not. Besides that, the way that you are talking makes it seem like I am making my families lives so miserable, that they would be better without me anyway. If I honestly wanted more attention I would ask for it. Mabye did you think, "Oh, she just needs time alone!" or "Hey, mabye she just needs a shoulder to cry on!"

Why is it so hateful? Because of the pain it would inflict on my loved ones? Well, why do you think I have never done it! I know it is not what God teaches, God says, "Those who take their own lives prematurly shall burn in the hottest, deepest, pits of Hell for all eternity!", or something to that extent. I will get over my "poor me" attitude, the minute that I can. You must undertand that when I do something I do it with all of me, I poor my heart and soul into it. Which is why I get hurt so easily, and why I stick to something so long.

I am sorry that I have been such a bitch! But mabye my family and friends should look inside themselves and see what kind of people they have been to me. Like just randomly bitting my head off when I have done nothing ot them! Yes, I have already admitted several times, anonymous, that I was probably the biggest fuck-up in my relationship with my best friend! But thank you for reopening that flood gate. Mabye you should have read the blogs that you have been monitoring better, because I said it several times.

Everyone is going to see the new and improved Elaina Marie Beverwyk! The weak child Lannie, that was swallowed up by the big city, is gone. I now refuse to allow anyone to walk all over me and hurt my feelings. I am going to get what I want, no matter who I hurt along the way!

That is what you wanted right anonymous? Or do you want me to just shut off all of the emotions that I have, so that I don't feel anything and neither does anyone around me?

Comments (Page 1)
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on Jan 20, 2006
P.S. Anonymous why dont you put your name next time and we can tear apart your life, and then tell you to get over the pain that I caused by doing that!
Aloha
on Jan 20, 2006

I know this, too, is easier said than done, but try not to let others get to you. You have a heavy enough load to bear right now without worrying about anonymous posters.

I know things seem impossibly difficult right now, and that many will try to make light of your situation without knowing the intense, conflicting emotions that are tearing you apart right now. But you need to realize that you can be bigger and stronger than that.

Despite what others may say, these are NOT the "best years of your life". As an adult whose been through mush of the sort of hell you're going through, I have always winced when adults have said that to teenagers. The truth of the matter is, the best is yet to come. By hurting yourself you're only denying yourself the chance to know that, to see and do things that right now you might never imagine. For your own sake, for the sake of those who know and love you, don't do that. Do what you must to get throug this chapter and onto writing the next one. There's a rich, beautiful world out there if you can just hang on.

I know you don't know me personally, and I only know you through your writings. But I can tell you that I've felt the hurt and the sting from your posts because I've been there myself. I've lost two brothers, one to abuse, and one to suicide after a lifetime of abuse, and one of the biggest hurts I've felt was that I wasn't strong enough to stop either of them. The decisions you make will have impact far beyond yourself, so out of love and consideration to those you love, consider them carefully.

I will pray for you and hope that you can heal through all of this.

on Jan 20, 2006
I wholeheartedly agree with what Gideon said. Sometimes it is hard to ignore those pesky anons but it's best to do that when they make no sense at all. If they were not cowards he/she would not hide there identity.

You have every right to feel the way you do. Youve been through a lot and you're going to continue to experience all kinds of emotions on a daily basis. Just don't give up. Don't give up on you and don't give up on your faith, God will not give up on you. I'll pray for you too. You're not alone.
on Jan 20, 2006
Thanks for the uplifting things you had to say about me. You know the whole "All my "favorite sister" has been doing, is trying to make buddy-buddy with my little sister and soster-in-law". That was a little hurtful. I've been trying to be here for you, but you won't let me in, no matter how hard I try. It kills me to see you going through this hard time knowing it should have been better for you, but our parents suck. I know that it is hard to go up to dad and tell him that he sucks, I had to do it, and I have not yet finished doing it. It doesn't mean that you hate him, though, it just means that you hate what he did, and he is willing to face anything you have to say, you just have to step out on the limb, and believe me, I know it's hard.
"Mabye did you think, "Oh, she just needs time alone!" or "Hey, mabye she just needs a shoulder to cry on!"" I have thought both of those things, but you won't let anyone be a shoulder to cry on, Lord knows I have tried to be that for you. And as a family, we have tried to give you time alone, but that doesn't seem to help either. I love you and I want to help, but you won't let me in. That is really hard especially considering the fact that I would give my life for you and I let you know every little bit of me and what happens in my life. We share a room and a family and a history, but we can't share our lives with each other if you refuse so whole-heartedly to share yours with me. We have been best friends for the last six years, but you have been pushing me away for a year now, and here I am confronting you about it. I love you, and I'm not going to let you push me away. I haven't let mom do it, you are not doing it either (especially since I love you so much). I would give my soul if I could make your life better and easier, and that is blasphame for a Christian to say, but there it is.
"mabye my family and friends should look inside themselves and see what kind of people they have been to me" What kind of people have we been? How could we know how you feel if you don't tell us? I have tried to be good to you, but you make that impossible when you won't let me in. I'm sorry, but our relationship is going to go back to that until you start giving me something. You told me that your friendship with Jessica was one way because you gave your all. Why can't you do that with your "favorite sister"? "You must undertand that when I do something I do it with all of me, I poor my heart and soul into it." This statement is not entirely true, and you know it, because look at our relationship. You defiinitely have not given it your all.
"I am going to get what I want, no matter who I hurt along the way!" Reconsider this statement before you act on it, because the people you hurt could be the only ones who love you. The people you hurt could be the ones who matter most to you. The people you hurt could be...me, dad, grams, J.D., Virginia...any number of people. You said in your blog that you could be selfish and that is your decision. I completely agree, but think about all the people (the ones who love you and whom you love) before you do some crazy act of selfishness.
I'm sorry that this is such a long comment, but I needed to let you know how I feel because I can't talk to you about it, because you always look at me as if you want to kill me. I'm sorry that you feel like we have all been so horrible to you, but your best interests have been and will always be in my heart. You are my favorite sister, and I will never put quotations around that, because it is the truth, and I will never do anything to consciously hurt you. You and Virginia are my life, and I need you in it. Please help me find a way for that to happen. And the reason I have been so "buddy-buddy" with Virginia and Jolene is because I owe Jolene a lot. She gave me my life back by taking over some...a lot... of my responsibilities, and Virginia doesn't realize how much I love her, so I have to show her.
I love you Elaina, you are my best sister, my best friend. Please help me to make our relationship all that it can be.
Love always,
August
on Jan 20, 2006
Thanks for the uplifting things you had to say about me. You know the whole "All my "favorite sister" has been doing, is trying to make buddy-buddy with my little sister and soster-in-law". That was a little hurtful. I've been trying to be here for you, but you won't let me in, no matter how hard I try. It kills me to see you going through this hard time knowing it should have been better for you, but our parents suck. I know that it is hard to go up to dad and tell him that he sucks, I had to do it, and I have not yet finished doing it. It doesn't mean that you hate him, though, it just means that you hate what he did, and he is willing to face anything you have to say, you just have to step out on the limb, and believe me, I know it's hard.
"Mabye did you think, "Oh, she just needs time alone!" or "Hey, mabye she just needs a shoulder to cry on!"" I have thought both of those things, but you won't let anyone be a shoulder to cry on, Lord knows I have tried to be that for you. And as a family, we have tried to give you time alone, but that doesn't seem to help either. I love you and I want to help, but you won't let me in. That is really hard especially considering the fact that I would give my life for you and I let you know every little bit of me and what happens in my life. We share a room and a family and a history, but we can't share our lives with each other if you refuse so whole-heartedly to share yours with me. We have been best friends for the last six years, but you have been pushing me away for a year now, and here I am confronting you about it. I love you, and I'm not going to let you push me away. I haven't let mom do it, you are not doing it either (especially since I love you so much). I would give my soul if I could make your life better and easier, and that is blasphame for a Christian to say, but there it is.
"mabye my family and friends should look inside themselves and see what kind of people they have been to me" What kind of people have we been? How could we know how you feel if you don't tell us? I have tried to be good to you, but you make that impossible when you won't let me in. I'm sorry, but our relationship is going to go back to that until you start giving me something. You told me that your friendship with Jessica was one way because you gave your all. Why can't you do that with your "favorite sister"? "You must undertand that when I do something I do it with all of me, I poor my heart and soul into it." This statement is not entirely true, and you know it, because look at our relationship. You defiinitely have not given it your all.
"I am going to get what I want, no matter who I hurt along the way!" Reconsider this statement before you act on it, because the people you hurt could be the only ones who love you. The people you hurt could be the ones who matter most to you. The people you hurt could be...me, dad, grams, J.D., Virginia...any number of people. You said in your blog that you could be selfish and that is your decision. I completely agree, but think about all the people (the ones who love you and whom you love) before you do some crazy act of selfishness.
I'm sorry that this is such a long comment, but I needed to let you know how I feel because I can't talk to you about it, because you always look at me as if you want to kill me. I'm sorry that you feel like we have all been so horrible to you, but your best interests have been and will always be in my heart. You are my favorite sister, and I will never put quotations around that, because it is the truth, and I will never do anything to consciously hurt you. You and Virginia are my life, and I need you in it. Please help me find a way for that to happen. And the reason I have been so "buddy-buddy" with Virginia and Jolene is because I owe Jolene a lot. She gave me my life back by taking over some...a lot... of my responsibilities, and Virginia doesn't realize how much I love her, so I have to show her.
I love you Elaina, you are my best sister, my best friend. Please help me to make our relationship all that it can be.
Love always,
August
on Jan 20, 2006
August,
The reason that I do not pour all of me into our relationship is because I was doing that for a long time. But then you choose Jessica over me. I am just afraid of getting hutr again. It has taken me this long to begin the healing process over Jessica, because I did not want to let her go. She knew everything about me. Mostly I am still healing. I poured everything I had into our relationship, so just give me a little while longer, I promise I will come around. Everything in my life takes time, and for now I am going to let you know that I am so sorry, I know that I have hurt the people who have been there for me the most. Including Jessica, the only person (outside the family who I thought was going to be there for me forever). Please forgive me, I know that I have fucked up more than anyone sees.

I promise right here I will not doing anything pathetically drastic, and I will do my best to start talking to you in person. I love you August, with all of my heart.
Aloha
on Jan 20, 2006
Gideon MacLeish,
Thank you for the inspiring words that you wrote me. I also thank you for always reading my terrible writing ! You seem to be an amazing person, and I thank you for the words of wisdom. I am going to print them off and hang them on my wall. I really do not have the words to express to you how much you touched me, I am in tears. So just know that I am grateful, and always leave your insightful words on my blogs. Thank you for the prayers
Aloha
on Jan 20, 2006
foreverserenity,
Thank you for your words, and I agree if they were not cowards they would leave their names. Obviously they know me pretty well, because they know my entire family.
I promise I will not give up, and I will do my best to let go and let God. Thanks for the prayers! Please continue to comment on my blogs, I love your meaningful responses. You seem like a wonderful person also!
Aloha
on Jan 20, 2006
Anonymous,
They out some very valid points on this, and I agree. I am not going to allow the pain from your comment to ruin anymore of my days. Because I have enough emotional damage from my life right now, from the rest of my life. I am attempting to heal from the pain that my best friend inflicted by not even looking at me. I am going to heal, but without a grudge, it will take a long time. It will be worth it.
Aloha
on Jan 20, 2006
I never chose Jessica over you. We just had a common hurt from the same person, and who better to help you get over it than someone who went through the exact same thing. As for anyone choosing anyone over anyone, you always chose Jessica over me, and I know that I never really did that with any of my friends except when we weren't getting along, mostly my sophmore year of high school. But anyways, thank you for the promise to start trying again. I love you.
August
on Jan 21, 2006

Thank you for the inspiring words that you wrote me. I also thank you for always reading my terrible writing ! You seem to be an amazing person, and I thank you for the words of wisdom. I am going to print them off and hang them on my wall. I really do not have the words to express to you how much you touched me, I am in tears. So just know that I am grateful, and always leave your insightful words on my blogs. Thank you for the prayers

You're welcome, and thank you for the kind words. If I can be of any help at all, don't hesitate to ask.

 

on Jan 21, 2006
Thanks! You are awesome!
Aloha
on Jan 21, 2006

Hey, Gideon lives here in Texas! He's a friend of a friend of a friend!

Trinitie

on Jan 21, 2006
Trinitie,
you are not going to get me to move there!
Aloha
on Jan 21, 2006
Elaina,
I'm seriously worried about you. I hear what you're saying (or screaming in a crowded room) and I believe you're serious and not just trying to get attention. I think it makes alot of sense that you would be in an unbearable amount of pain based on what your family is going through.

Please check out this website:

www.metanoia.org/suicide/

I wish I could do more to help. I feel helpless. Hang in there. Keep surviving. Take it one day at a time. I love you.
Jennifer
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